Sister Toldjah, North Carolina’s most beautiful bloggess, dug out a story but missed the hugely serious nature of it.
Please tell me this is a joke
Posted by: Sister Toldjah on February 27, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Reusable toilet wipes? Worse still, here’s how to “use them.”
Not sure if this is better or worse than Sheryl Crow’s “one square of TP per bathroom visit” suggestion.
I think I’m gonna be sick.
PLUS: Just say no … to Charmin?
Even though Sis included the link, she failed to follow up on this:
American taste for soft toilet roll ‘worse than driving Hummers’
Those brands, which put quilting and pockets of air between several layers of paper, are especially damaging to the environment.
Extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply toilet roll made from virgin forest causes more damage than gas-guzzlers, fast food or McMansions, say campaigners.
The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country’s love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public’s insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.
“This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous,” said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.
“Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution.” Making toilet paper has a significant impact because of chemicals used in pulp manufacture and cutting down forests.
A campaign by Greenpeace seeks to raise consciousness among Americans about the environmental costs of their toilet habits and counter an aggressive new push by the paper industry giants to market so-called luxury brands.
More than 98% of the toilet roll sold in America comes from virgin forests, said Hershkowitz. In Europe and Latin America, up to 40% of toilet paper comes from recycled products. Greenpeace this week launched a cut-out-and-keep ecological ranking of toilet paper products.
“We have this myth in the US that recycled is just so low quality, it’s like cardboard and is impossible to use,” said Lindsey Allen, the forestry campaigner of Greenpeace.
What Sis failed to realize is that, with the coming of the environmentally-concerned Obama Administration, this isn’t just a subject for concern, but a matter for government regulation! Perhaps President Obama will be smart enough not to create the position of Toilet Tsar — though Bowl Baron seems a bit underpowered, bureaucratically speaking — but this is surely a matter for high government consideration. We are destroying our forests for shi. . . er, insufficient reasons!
Now, there are many ways to address this issue:
- We could impose a per-square TP Tax. And, with added government regulations to reduce the square size by 5%, we could increase the tax per roll. The revenues generated by the TP Tax could be designated for reforestation projects.
- We could impose a two-roll per week quota, per household. Yes, this would be a true burden on the Octo-Mom, but think of the benefits: people would be encouraged to have fewer children, so as not to take precious TP squares away from the adults, and fewer children would be better for the environment. This would further undermine the misogynists of the Pro-Life, umm, movement, because people simply could not afford to have children they do not need digging in to the TP quota.
- To help encourage environmentally-responsible living, a $1,000 tax credit could be enacted for those who install a bidet.
Now, this list certainly is not exhaustive, and even if President Obama should read this — always possible, since it appears that the government is monitoring unpatriotic, subversive websites — I wish to make it clear that I am not interested in an appointment to become Toilet Tsar, Bowl Baron or Dump Duke. Despite our 44th President’s stated desires for bipartisanship, if there was ever a position reserved for a Democrap, that would be it!
Of course, one of Sis’ commenters, Larry Sheldon, came up with the best line of all:
Get used to it, there is a long way to the bottom, and we are going there.
We have a “Worst Pun of the Week” candidate there! 
There were always corn cobs. Some rustics used an outdated Sears or Montgomery-Ward catalog for an early exercise in recycling but those documents are passe in the age of the Internet. Those seeking an alternative source of wiping paper might ask their Senator or Representative for a copy of the (alleged) Stimulus Plan. The copy will likely to have been unread so some good might come of it. It might be best to put it behind us.
Oh, believe me, I’d like to wipe away the stimulus plan!
Apparently, Mrs Gort things the same way!
Copies of the Stimulus Plan have certain advantages over the old mail order catalogs. They have more pages than the Monkey Wards and Sears catalogs combined and the paper is less slick. This should be a wipeout.
i always buy recycled products to reduce the waste materials on this planet.;’;